Native American Twinkie Test
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American Indians dislike ‘New Age Crystal Waving Twinkie Twinkies’ who shamelessly appropriate, distort, misuse and disrespect our culture.
Accordingly, if you want to get along with Indians, it is wise to avoid being a twinkie.
The following test will help you determine if you’re a twinkie.
1. you don’t know what a ‘twinkie’ is.
2..you think ‘twinkie’ is a name brand of golden sponge cake.
3..you’re a shaman, and all your friends are shamans too.
4..your Indian Spirit Guide only speaks English.
5..you have a plastic Indian headdress hanging from your rear view mirror.
6..you don’t drive a ‘rez rocket’.
7..you think apples are for eating.
8..you gave all your dogs authentic Native American names.
9…your great grandmother was a Cherokee princess.
10..your great grandfather was a Cherokee princess, too.
11..you own collector plates featuring men with rippling muscles, feathers, and prostrate maidens.
12..you’ve never been to a 49.
13..you’ve never woken up with a houseful strangers fixing themselves breakfast, eating your bacon, and calling you ‘cousin’.
14..you bought the collectible Barbie ™ ‘with authentic Native costume’.
15..you named your dog, cat, or hamster for a famous Native American.
16..you think Dances with Wolves is a great movie.
17..you don’t know who Leonard Peltier is.
18..you want to know where to apply to get your Indian name.
19..you desperately want to date a Native American person.
20..you’ve been studying Native American spirituality for three months and are now ready to lead a sweat.
21..you send greeting cards with images of Noble Red Men on them.
22..you have ‘Native American scent’ air freshener in your car.
23..you have never stood next to a dancer after five hours of powwow in the hot sun and therefore think ‘Native American scent’ is something you >want to have in your car.
24..you don’t know what a CDIB card is, and wouldn’t qualify for one even if you did
.25..you wonder why that abalone shell has holes in the bottom.
26..you want to get a cool Native American tattoo.
27..you had your brother-in-law airbrush a big eagle on the tailgate of your pickup truck and you’re not a Harley fan.
28..you refer to a drum as a ‘tom tom’.
29..you think ‘heya heyaya’ is the Indian word for ‘God’, because it’s in all the songs.
30..you bought the soundtrack to Disney’s Pocahontas and sing along.
31..your mother gave you a t shirt with a picture of a scantily clad woman petting a wolf for your birthday.
32..you mistook an Italian man for a Sioux chief.
33….you signed a petition protesting the slaughter of buffalo while dropping your trash on the ground.
34..you had a dream in which you discovered your ‘true name’ is ‘Spirit of the Red Wolf Who Runs with Crystals’.
35..you’re only interested in the ‘good parts’ of Native spirituality.
36..your bumper sticker has a quote from Chief Seattle instead of AIM.
37..you bought ‘genuine Indian moccasins’ made in a factory in Minnesota.
38..when you meet a real Indian, you hold your hand out like a stop sign and say, “How!”
39..you made a construction paper headdress and put on a play at school and you’re more than twelve years old
40..you can remember that Indian guy who cried in the ecology commercial, but you don’t know his name.
41..when you meet a man with a mohawk, you assume he must be a punk rocker.
42..you have a mohawk–and you’re female.
43..you have no idea if the headband you’re wearing is intended for men or women.
44..you didn’t notice your ‘Indian jewelry’ was stamped ‘made in Thailand’.
45..you own many Indian art objects, but you have never been to a powwow.
46..you think militant Indians are a disgrace to the red race, but you just adore Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse.
47..you interrupt an elder to tell them they’re wrong because a book you read said so.
48..you’re a man, but you don’t have footprints on your back from your woman walking all over you.
49..you were an Indian princess in a former life.
50..you were a medicine man in a former life.
51..you want people to call you ‘Chief’, even though you are not the leader of a fire department, police department, or a tribe.
52..you made up your own tribe.
53..you are the great, great, great, great, grandson of Tecumseh, putting the number of his offspring at 24,473–more than the entire population of the Shawnee tribe today.
54..you didn’t know that Tecumseh was Shawnee.55..you’re the grandson of Tecumseh–you can remember sitting on his knee.
56..you built a sweat lodge from instructions you found on the Web.
57..you chose to leave the city and live on a mountain in a cabin with no running water.
58..you get annoyed if people are late.
59..your fur coats are all store bought.
60..you have no idea why Native people laugh hysterically when they see you on the street
61..you call a shinny stick a ‘LaCrosse stick’.
62..you admire Chief Joseph for what he said, but you’re not sure what he did.
63..you call the Sioux people ‘Lakota’–even the Dakota and Nakota.
64..you think all Native Americans spend their days communing with Mother Nature.
65..you willingly pay $300 for an authentic sweat with a plastic shaman.
66..you believe that ‘freedom of expression’ gives you the right to poke your nose into matters that don’t concern you.
67..you ask a question, then argue with the answer.
68..last year you were into Buddhism, the year before that you were a witch, and the year before that you were a member of Green Peace.
69..you had a sudden impulse to drive non-stop across America to the Black Hills–and you don’t even know anyone out there.
70..you think the Black Hills are the only sacred site in America.
71..you wear plastic chokers to honor Native Americans.
72..you love Native American jewelry, but make it more attractive by adding your own personal touch.
73..you’ve never used an outhouse.
74..you’ve never eaten ’slow elk’–you’re sure you’d remember if you had!
75..when served ‘Indian steak,’ you complain, “Hey, this is bologna!”
76..road kill makes you go, ‘Ew!’ instead of, ‘Hey, new regalia!’
77..you don’t know how many drummers it takes to screw in a light bulb.
78..you ask complete strangers for advice on naming your kids.
79..you got interested in Native culture by watching ‘Star Trek’.
80..you use words like ’squaw,’ ‘buck,’ ‘berdache,’ and ’shaman,’ and wonder why people are mad at you.
81..you bought a medicine bag, but you don’t know what’s in it.
82..you think a powwow sounds like a great place to work on your tan, so >you wore your swimsuit.
83..you’re proud of the fact that you can name all five Indian tribes.
84..your car is not made out of equal parts Bondo and duct tape.
85..you selected wallpaper with Indians, horses, and tipis for your son’s bedroom.
86..you’ve never eaten commodity cheese.
87…you’ve never used commodity cheese as a doorstop.
88..you hang Indian corn on your front door instead of eating it.
89..your mother gave you an Indian name, but it never occurred to you to ask her what it meant until it was too late.
90..you get defensive and evasive if anybody questions your Native credentials.
91..you’ve never heard of fry bread.
92..you won’t eat fry bread because it has too much fat in it.
93..you think it’s an honor to Native Americans that Jeep named a sport utility vehicle after them.
94..none of your relatives has diabetes.
95..you are one third Native American.
96..you want to know what tribe you’re related to, but have no intention of actually doing the genealogy to figure it out.
97..you ask the Internet to tell you who you’re related to instead of asking your relatives.
98..you think you should get in free to a powwow because you have Indian blood.
99..you’re proud of being a twinkie.
100..you wear the purple suede fringed miniskirt with knee high moccasins to a pow wow and wonder why no one likes it.
101..you walk up to strange Indian women and ask them to bless your beads.
102..you have a dream catcher hanging from your rear view mirror.
103..you have a Nativity scene featuring a tipi and Indians in regalia.
104..you think Native Americans should put up with your crap because after all “we’re all related.”
105..you offered me a ‘talking feather’.
106..you write in a stilted, poetic, formal English that sounds like a Victorian author putting words into the mouth of a Noble Savage character in a dime novel.
107..you feel sorry for the poor Native Americans who are so benighted they can’t understand that you’re right.
108..when entering an argument with a Native American, you attack their method of expression, instead of the points they have to make.
109..you exhort us to unite and work together and get along with each other–as if nobody had ever thought of this (obvious) idea before.
110..you have never mended your underwear, hemmed a dress, repaired a car, or made art objects out of duct tape.
111..you have to go and find some scissors to open your package with.
112..you joined the Nuage tribe.
113..you just adore Mary Summer Rain.
114..you tell everyone how proud and humble and honored you are to carry a pipe.
115…you have to have the last word every single time.
116..it embarrasses you to be seen in the company of real Indians, so you’d rather hang out with twinkies like yourself.
117..when you see a person in traditional Native American dress, you pat your mouth and make ‘woo woo’ noises.
118..somebody asks a question about Native American culture, and you make up your own answer.
119..you think Indians have no sense of humor.
120 .you can’t see that you are funny. •
121.you think this list isn’t funny.
122.This page is close captioned for the humor-impaired.
123..if your idea of a tribal dance is a ballet.
124.if you don’t know what a “rez rocket” is
125..if you don’t have at least something wrong with your car
126.if you say, “You don’t look like an Indian” to an Indian (or if you think all Indians look like Geromino)
127..you don’t have at least 4 feet of balin’ wire in the trunk of your car.
128.you butcher a sheep while trying to sheer it during your last visit with your “Navajo” grandma.
129..you think that the hair on your back qualifies you to be a skinwalker.
130.the framed picture of your great-great-great-granddaddy is really of a “chief” that you tore out of your high school history book
Have you figured out what a TWINKIE is yet?
May the moon keep you centered,
May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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