Through Skys Eyes

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old
Lady: I am 76 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us,
in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on
my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man
comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but
he sure was friendly. Little Old Lady: He started to rub my
thigh. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little
Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert
died some 20 years ago. Defence Attorney: What happened
next? Little Old Lady: He began to touch my breasts. Defence
Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I
certainly did not! Defence Attorney: Whyever not? Little Old
Lady: His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven’t felt that good in years! Defence Attorney: What
happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, I was feeling so
’spicy’ that I just laid down and told him ‘Take
me, young man. Take me now!’ Did he take you? Little Old
Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘April Fool!’ And
that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

Hey all well this is my favourite time of years, so much excitement , thrills and adventures awaiting all of us.

Anyway here are some of my favorite halloween stories and photos, enjoy.

I will start of with one of the craziest poets out there. I mean this guy was an eccentric, hated modern day society, hated any sort of technological advancement and his poems demonstrated this.

But he was one of the first poets i ever learnt about. and I remember even though some of his poems just did not make sense to me, there were so many that striked a chord. So with out further adieu .. Mr Edgar Allen Poe and more than likely the Poem that made him so famous.. The Raven. I do love the simpsons version of this poem, you can look it up on Youtube. But I found a great version on your tube I thought i would share narrated by the king of freakish, Mr Vincent Price.  Also added this wonderful Vincent price video I found that was directed by Tim Burton. two brilliant artistic men callaborating on a vide, can it get any better. . great stuff.

The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,’

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,’ said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you’ - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!’
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,’ said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.’

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.’
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.’

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,’ said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of “Never-nevermore.”‘

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.’

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,’ I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!’ I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

Why Dogs HATE Halloween

Halloween Reunion - Black Sheep Sheet

Private Party
It was Halloween night when a driver called our road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a nudist colony. Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasn’t amused. “Figures,” he said. “I finally get to go to a nudist colony, and they’re having a costume party!”
– Contributed by Neil Klein

Don’t Play With Fire
As firefighters, we are required to wear our full bunker gear on all safety calls, even to advise homeowners of a county ordinance against burning leaves after dark. Last Halloween, two co-workers waited on the porch of one such offending household, helmets in hand, until a woman finally opened the door. Promptly dropping a candy bar into each helmet, she remarked, “You boys are a little old for this sort of thing, aren’t you?” and closed the door.
– Contributed by Steve Farmer

‘Twas was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode,
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Playstation 2’s and Barbie, flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?”

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”

“Ho-ho-ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “I’ve made you a clone.”

“A clone?” she asked, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit-chat.”

The mother’s twin. Same hair, same eyes,
same double chin. “She’ll cook, she’ll dust, ”
she’ll mop every mess. You’ll relax, take it easy,
watch The Young & the Restless.” “Fantastic!” the mom cheered.
“My dream come true! “I’ll shop. I’ll read., I’ll sleep a whole night
through! ”

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
“Mommy?! I scared… and I ‘m wet.”

The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She knows her part.”
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.

“You the best mommy ever. ” I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “I love you, too.”
The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal. ”
That’s my child’s love, she’s trying to steal.”

Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear, ”
Only one loving mother, is needed here.”

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
“Thank you, Santa, ” for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
when they’ll be too old, for my cradle-song.”

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You’ll be all right.

Author unknown

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When…

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
9. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
17. You’re at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
20. You realize you’re the only one under the coffee table.

Now im going to tell you some secrets about life.

What i want you to do is try and proove them wrong, one by one, and dont scroll down and cheat. take one at a time.

O.K Ready!!!

First Truth in Life

• 1) You cannot touch ALL your teeth with your tongue.
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• 2) All idiots, After reading the first truth, try it.
• 3) The first truth is a Lie.
• 4)your smiling now because you’re an idiot.
• 5)You soon will forward this to another idiot
• 6) There’s still a stupid smile on your face.

Here is one that was on a billboard somewhere around the world.

“Success is relative. The More success, The more relatives”

Life’s Applied mathematics.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. anyway enjoy those, il be back soon with some more

Native American Twinkie Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
American Indians dislike ‘New Age Crystal Waving Twinkie Twinkies’ who shamelessly appropriate, distort, misuse and disrespect our culture.

Accordingly, if you want to get along with Indians, it is wise to avoid being a twinkie.

The following test will help you determine if you’re a twinkie.

1. you don’t know what a ‘twinkie’ is.

2..you think ‘twinkie’ is a name brand of golden sponge cake.

3..you’re a shaman, and all your friends are shamans too.

4..your Indian Spirit Guide only speaks English.

5..you have a plastic Indian headdress hanging from your rear view mirror.

6..you don’t drive a ‘rez rocket’.

7..you think apples are for eating.

8..you gave all your dogs authentic Native American names.

9…your great grandmother was a Cherokee princess.

10..your great grandfather was a Cherokee princess, too.

11..you own collector plates featuring men with rippling muscles, feathers, and prostrate maidens.

12..you’ve never been to a 49.

13..you’ve never woken up with a houseful strangers fixing themselves breakfast, eating your bacon, and calling you ‘cousin’.

14..you bought the collectible Barbie ™ ‘with authentic Native costume’.

15..you named your dog, cat, or hamster for a famous Native American.

16..you think Dances with Wolves is a great movie.

17..you don’t know who Leonard Peltier is.

18..you want to know where to apply to get your Indian name.

19..you desperately want to date a Native American person.

20..you’ve been studying Native American spirituality for three months and are now ready to lead a sweat.

21..you send greeting cards with images of Noble Red Men on them.

22..you have ‘Native American scent’ air freshener in your car.

23..you have never stood next to a dancer after five hours of powwow in the hot sun and therefore think ‘Native American scent’ is something you >want to have in your car.

24..you don’t know what a CDIB card is, and wouldn’t qualify for one even if you did

.25..you wonder why that abalone shell has holes in the bottom.

26..you want to get a cool Native American tattoo.

27..you had your brother-in-law airbrush a big eagle on the tailgate of your pickup truck and you’re not a Harley fan.

28..you refer to a drum as a ‘tom tom’.

29..you think ‘heya heyaya’ is the Indian word for ‘God’, because it’s in all the songs.

30..you bought the soundtrack to Disney’s Pocahontas and sing along.

31..your mother gave you a t shirt with a picture of a scantily clad woman petting a wolf for your birthday.

32..you mistook an Italian man for a Sioux chief.

33….you signed a petition protesting the slaughter of buffalo while dropping your trash on the ground.

34..you had a dream in which you discovered your ‘true name’ is ‘Spirit of the Red Wolf Who Runs with Crystals’.

35..you’re only interested in the ‘good parts’ of Native spirituality.

36..your bumper sticker has a quote from Chief Seattle instead of AIM.

37..you bought ‘genuine Indian moccasins’ made in a factory in Minnesota.

38..when you meet a real Indian, you hold your hand out like a stop sign and say, “How!”

39..you made a construction paper headdress and put on a play at school and you’re more than twelve years old

40..you can remember that Indian guy who cried in the ecology commercial, but you don’t know his name.

41..when you meet a man with a mohawk, you assume he must be a punk rocker.

42..you have a mohawk–and you’re female.

43..you have no idea if the headband you’re wearing is intended for men or women.

44..you didn’t notice your ‘Indian jewelry’ was stamped ‘made in Thailand’.

45..you own many Indian art objects, but you have never been to a powwow.

46..you think militant Indians are a disgrace to the red race, but you just adore Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse.

47..you interrupt an elder to tell them they’re wrong because a book you read said so.

48..you’re a man, but you don’t have footprints on your back from your woman walking all over you.

49..you were an Indian princess in a former life.

50..you were a medicine man in a former life.

51..you want people to call you ‘Chief’, even though you are not the leader of a fire department, police department, or a tribe.

52..you made up your own tribe.

53..you are the great, great, great, great, grandson of Tecumseh, putting the number of his offspring at 24,473–more than the entire population of the Shawnee tribe today.

54..you didn’t know that Tecumseh was Shawnee.55..you’re the grandson of Tecumseh–you can remember sitting on his knee.

56..you built a sweat lodge from instructions you found on the Web.

57..you chose to leave the city and live on a mountain in a cabin with no running water.

58..you get annoyed if people are late.

59..your fur coats are all store bought.

60..you have no idea why Native people laugh hysterically when they see you on the street

61..you call a shinny stick a ‘LaCrosse stick’.

62..you admire Chief Joseph for what he said, but you’re not sure what he did.

63..you call the Sioux people ‘Lakota’–even the Dakota and Nakota.

64..you think all Native Americans spend their days communing with Mother Nature.

65..you willingly pay $300 for an authentic sweat with a plastic shaman.

66..you believe that ‘freedom of expression’ gives you the right to poke your nose into matters that don’t concern you.

67..you ask a question, then argue with the answer.

68..last year you were into Buddhism, the year before that you were a witch, and the year before that you were a member of Green Peace.

69..you had a sudden impulse to drive non-stop across America to the Black Hills–and you don’t even know anyone out there.

70..you think the Black Hills are the only sacred site in America.

71..you wear plastic chokers to honor Native Americans.

72..you love Native American jewelry, but make it more attractive by adding your own personal touch.

73..you’ve never used an outhouse.

74..you’ve never eaten ’slow elk’–you’re sure you’d remember if you had!

75..when served ‘Indian steak,’ you complain, “Hey, this is bologna!”

76..road kill makes you go, ‘Ew!’ instead of, ‘Hey, new regalia!’

77..you don’t know how many drummers it takes to screw in a light bulb.

78..you ask complete strangers for advice on naming your kids.

79..you got interested in Native culture by watching ‘Star Trek’.

80..you use words like ’squaw,’ ‘buck,’ ‘berdache,’ and ’shaman,’ and wonder why people are mad at you.

81..you bought a medicine bag, but you don’t know what’s in it.

82..you think a powwow sounds like a great place to work on your tan, so >you wore your swimsuit.

83..you’re proud of the fact that you can name all five Indian tribes.

84..your car is not made out of equal parts Bondo and duct tape.

85..you selected wallpaper with Indians, horses, and tipis for your son’s bedroom.

86..you’ve never eaten commodity cheese.

87…you’ve never used commodity cheese as a doorstop.

88..you hang Indian corn on your front door instead of eating it.

89..your mother gave you an Indian name, but it never occurred to you to ask her what it meant until it was too late.

90..you get defensive and evasive if anybody questions your Native credentials.

91..you’ve never heard of fry bread.

92..you won’t eat fry bread because it has too much fat in it.

93..you think it’s an honor to Native Americans that Jeep named a sport utility vehicle after them.

94..none of your relatives has diabetes.

95..you are one third Native American.

96..you want to know what tribe you’re related to, but have no intention of actually doing the genealogy to figure it out.

97..you ask the Internet to tell you who you’re related to instead of asking your relatives.

98..you think you should get in free to a powwow because you have Indian blood.

99..you’re proud of being a twinkie.

100..you wear the purple suede fringed miniskirt with knee high moccasins to a pow wow and wonder why no one likes it.

101..you walk up to strange Indian women and ask them to bless your beads.

102..you have a dream catcher hanging from your rear view mirror.

103..you have a Nativity scene featuring a tipi and Indians in regalia.

104..you think Native Americans should put up with your crap because after all “we’re all related.”

105..you offered me a ‘talking feather’.

106..you write in a stilted, poetic, formal English that sounds like a Victorian author putting words into the mouth of a Noble Savage character in a dime novel.

107..you feel sorry for the poor Native Americans who are so benighted they can’t understand that you’re right.

108..when entering an argument with a Native American, you attack their method of expression, instead of the points they have to make.

109..you exhort us to unite and work together and get along with each other–as if nobody had ever thought of this (obvious) idea before.

110..you have never mended your underwear, hemmed a dress, repaired a car, or made art objects out of duct tape.

111..you have to go and find some scissors to open your package with.

112..you joined the Nuage tribe.

113..you just adore Mary Summer Rain.

114..you tell everyone how proud and humble and honored you are to carry a pipe.

115…you have to have the last word every single time.

116..it embarrasses you to be seen in the company of real Indians, so you’d rather hang out with twinkies like yourself.

117..when you see a person in traditional Native American dress, you pat your mouth and make ‘woo woo’ noises.

118..somebody asks a question about Native American culture, and you make up your own answer.

119..you think Indians have no sense of humor.

120 .you can’t see that you are funny. •

121.you think this list isn’t funny.

122.This page is close captioned for the humor-impaired.

123..if your idea of a tribal dance is a ballet.

124.if you don’t know what a “rez rocket” is

125..if you don’t have at least something wrong with your car

126.if you say, “You don’t look like an Indian” to an Indian (or if you think all Indians look like Geromino)

127..you don’t have at least 4 feet of balin’ wire in the trunk of your car.

128.you butcher a sheep while trying to sheer it during your last visit with your “Navajo” grandma.

129..you think that the hair on your back qualifies you to be a skinwalker.

130.the framed picture of your great-great-great-granddaddy is really of a “chief” that you tore out of your high school history book

Have you figured out what a TWINKIE is yet?

May the moon keep you centered,

May the sun keep you dancing,

And the stars shed light on your dreams.